It's been a year...

Sometimes it's too much to think about, too tragic, and I don't believe it.  I wait for a call or a random text, to hear your voice and your laughter...I get nothing. 

I see your picture every day.  It's sits on our fridge in a make shift altar Thomas made for you as a school project for Dia De Los Muertos...I can't put it away.  I don't want to put it away.  If it had been anything else, the kids would have already asked, "Mama, why do you still have that up there?"  They need it to stay in place, just like I do.  It's off limits, no one can touch it.  

It's been a year since I received that phone call.  The call I knew was a joke, a prank, some kind of terrible mistake.  You couldn't be gone.  We hadn't done all the things we said we would do.  You hadn't grown up yet.  

I spent the next month in a fog.  I was like a functioning alcoholic. (I bet this made you laugh.)  I woke up, I went to work, I cooked and cleaned and went through the motions of life as a mom, teacher, daughter, friend, sister, co-worker...I didn't feel a thing.  I was numb.  I didn't want to feel anymore, it hurt too much.  

But you know, God had a plan.  He always does.  Let me say that His plan hasn't always been well received by your stubborn aunt.  (I know this doesn't surprise you.  After all, not many people know me the way you did.) So I caved, actually, I had no choice.  The weight of your death was too much for me.  I fell hard and didn't think I would make it back up.  

God has placed some amazing people in my life, some have always been in my life, some have come and gone, some were dropped in just recently, but they have all crossed my path for a reason.  Just like you.  

I'm back Doof, back and better than ever, because you live in my heart and I'm going to live life to the fullest, for you!  

Yes I still get fired up, yes I have the urge to slap a bitch every now and then, yes I act a fool and do things that would have you shaking your head, but now I am going to put in motion all the other things I have always wanted to do.  You leaving this earth was part of God's plan.  I can trust that now.  I believe it.  I don't like it at all, not one single part of it but your death was not in vain.

I promise not to live life in a fog.  I will live life with such vigor that you'll want me to "slow my roll."  

I miss you so damn much.  I will see you again Jonathan.  We will laugh and we will talk about nothing and talk about everything.  It will be great.
I love you.

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