An Honest Reflection (a brutally honest reflection)

So lately I have felt the Universe stirring, swirling, a little off.  It's made me ask, “Is this what you want?”  It's made me reflect and wonder what it's set out to teach me.  I had to ask myself some honest questions and here is what I have come up with.

The universe is wanting me to grow and one of my takeaways is that I need to make amends with my stepmom for our rocky relationship.  We were both in the wrong because we were both pining for my dad’s attention. 

It also wants me to step up in the role of bonus parent because there are some young adults in my life that still need parenting and I know how it feels to be in their shoes, but right now it feels unwelcome. 

The universe wants me to be aware of my role with Thomas and Carolyn and that as much as I want to indulge them because of single mom guilt, I too must let them fail and become independent of my safety net because they are ready and capable.

**I read some great advice today:  Nobody ever died from being upset. Quit rescuing people from feeling upset.  People have to get uncomfortable enough so that they can make changes.  (Like right now my pants make me uncomfortable so I need to make some changes to my pansa.)

It is also reminding me that I do not have to react to my triggers and on the same note, it’s wanting me to be cautious of toxic patterns and behaviors. 

I’m listening to the universe real hard for other lessons I may need from this season and I know one of them is to make a leap for the next step in my career that will help me secure the financial cushion I seek.  But in asking myself all these questions, I had to ask how important marriage is to me.  Here’s what I know...

I stayed in a bad relationship because I wanted a marriage, a partner, a family and I wanted it at any cost.  I wanted gatherings at my house filled with laughter and good times.  I still want all of those things but this time I want it with someone who will reciprocate the love and devotion I put into the relationship.  My trauma makes me want to avoid the pain of a failed marriage but hope overrules those thoughts every time.  It sits deep in my being and it’s warmth fuels me to think of the possibility of living that dream.

I want a partner who wants me and my kids and all the stuff that comes with that.  Someone willing to share the role of parent, not assume the role.  I want to know my partner has my back and will not undermine decisions but instead, help come up with solutions.

I want someone who will have the hard conversations about the difficult topics that come up and someone who is ready to blend families not keep them separate because it’s easy.  I want my match, my equal, the person who is evenly yoked.  Someone who can be 80/20, 50/50 or 20/80. 

I want that partner to be open, honest and willing to be vulnerable despite the risk of failure and heartache.  Someone who is really willing to work on themselves and to dig deep to heal the wounds of the past because that shit doesn’t go away until you do. Believe me, I have learned the hard way.  It’s not easy to call yourself out on your bullshit, but I want someone who will do it.  

I want financial security, not a financed life.  I want trust, loyalty and honesty.  I want to be a wife, not a girlfriend, not a significant other.  I want someone who says, “This is important to the woman I love and I’m willing to take the chance.”

I hear you, Universe.  I am all ears.  Now, let's make this shit happen!