I am...

Years ago, during a professional development session on writing, I created a short list of the things that made me who I am.  To my surprise, I enjoyed creating this list and can still remember some of the things that were scribbled on the sheet. 

A recent tragedy in my life shook me to my core and by core, I mean the very essence of my being, my soul, all I am.  When the quake was over and the dust settled, I began to collect the pieces that were scattered around me.  It was time to find out, without inhibitions or fear, who exactly I was.  Basically, it was time for me to show myself what exactly I was made of, what I was willing to accept as truth and what the hell was I going to do about it! 

So here I am, ready to let you in on a lil' something...

• I'm the youngest of three girls and I recently discovered by way of my father that my birth was somewhat of a miracle. "I told your mother two kids was enough."  Uh...maybe he didn't realize he was saying that to the 3rd Kid!   Or maybe I'm not really his daughter.  That would explain a lot...just sayin...
• I spent many summer nights at Garner State Park with family and friends.  One summer I had very bad sunburn and so now I'm paranoid about skin cancer.  Another summer, I almost drowned because my best friend and I were goofing around on an inner tube, flipped over, were stuck under the tube, our legs were tangled together and we couldn't reach the surface for air.  We were rescued by my friend James who yanked me by my long hair and pulled the tube out from between my friend and I.  He and his cousin laughed uncontrollably every half hour or so for the rest of our stay.  
• When I wasn't at GSP, I spent some time out on the farm with my cousins.  Those were great times.  I remember singing on the swings with my cousin Martin.  There was a country song we always sang that when I think about it, was very inappropriate for children.  It had something to do with extra marital affairs.  Hmmmm?
• Every once in a while I laugh like I did when I was a kid...you know those moments when you laugh so hard your stomach (abdominal muscles) hurt or you laugh so hard you cry.  The person/people who can make me laugh like that have such a special place in my heart.
• Speaking of laughing, I am the girl who spent a few wild evenings at Chuck E. Cheese's on SW Military Dr. rocking the Dallas Cowboys sweater with the big blue star on the chest, purple pants and the taupe, vinyl boots with the zipper on the side. (Yes, I was a bad-ass back then too!) And this one time, I was sliding down the slide that was at the end of the wooden cheese maze when I felt as if I were being scalped by an Apache...Apaches did scalp people, right?  I don't have time to research that, so moving right along.  I was in mid slide when I felt the pain, burn, pull and I suddenly realized I wasn't sliding down anymore.  I could hear laughter from far away...it was my Garner State Park rescuer laughing, uncontrollably once again, this time because he had accidentally stepped on my long, fucking, mexican-girl hair with his big preteen tennis shoe-foot and I was immobile!  I screamed his name in a primal, you only hear in the movies, scream and he released my untamed mane from his death grip.
• I'm also the girl who wore Wranglers and dark blue Justin Ropers to junior high because I was country, when country wasn't cool.  I even stuffed my jeans into my boots!  Yes, the bad-assism continued.  Too bad I didn't realize then what a trailblazer I was.  I would have totally gotten Louie who's last name I don't remember, but who I had a huge crush on, to notice me.  And let's not forget another super cute guy from DMS who had a winning smile and the coolest hair in 8th grade.  You will go unnamed my dear friend but those of you out there who remember the name of my children's first fish...shhhh...it's a secret.
• So I arrived as a freshman, completely out of place to the new school I was transplanted to.  City girl meets small town USA.  Boy was I naive...these country bumpkins were way more advanced than I was.  Damn I was green.  Seriously, if only I knew then...like the saying goes...Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.  I didn't go anywhere man!  Well, I did go to three proms, a fourth if you count the one I made a guest appearance at back in the city and I would have made it 5 if I had been asked to the prom by a certain super shy, turned tattooed rock-star, Ubuntu user, instead of being asked by his crazy best buddy.  Yes, I said no.  I was 15 for crying out loud!  
• I am a proud graduate of UIW aka Brain Power aka Crusader aka The College aka Your Snob School....what-the-fuck-ever Loser.  
• I'm the co-worker that loves to have all her team mates in her room even though she doesn't get to be productive but life is too short for all that productivity anyway.
• I'm the best friend who cried when little Chispita was born.
• I'm the sister who shows up to pee at your house because she's in the neighborhood and can't wait til she gets home and asks to park at your house because you live so close to the Alamodome.
• I'm the aunt that can text stupid pics and nonsense because I'm cool like that. 
• I'm the daughter that is completely okay having a few beers with either parent and occasionally drops an f-bomb just to keep it real.  Yes, you should have stopped at daughter number two because mira, this one, pinche loca!
• I'm the mother who will dance in the kitchen in her rose embellished bra and snake print panties if she feels like it and yes the neighbors can probably see me through the windows in the kitchen but you know what, they are probably enjoying the show, so there!  So get your little asses over here and dance with your mama dammit!
• I'm the soon to be ex-wife that waited up way too many nights, listened to way too many promises, heard way too many excuses, spent too many nights alone, poured way too much time, love, energy, caring, passion and life into a bottomless relationship void of reciprocating.  I also cried way too many damn tears.  For what?  Just so that I could finally know my own worth!  Yes, I am still a bad-ass but now I know it and truly appreciate it for what it's worth. The next tears I shed for a man will either be the death of my father or for that feeling of joy that only true intimacy and affection can bring.
• I am, without a doubt, all that...