Paths to Recovery-Step Five

So I don't know why I was dreading step four.  It's step five that's a son-of-a-motherless-goat!  It was pretty easy to admit I have some character flaws.  Really, who doesn't?  Admitting that there are some things I need to work on was not as bad as I thought it would be.  At my age, you pretty much know you are not invincible and may have a few rough edges to smooth.  The cool thing about being fortysomething is knowing you can handle constructive criticism AND you have enough sense to do something about it.  

Step Five - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  

One of the "light bulb" moments I had in Al-Anon is being told that "we are only as sick as our secrets."  So I can list all the liabilities in step four, but in step five I take a much closer look and become aware of how much I 'deluded and justified' to myself.  And when it comes to justifying nonsense, I rank supreme!  I am the queen of justifying my actions, good or bad.  
Step five will help me reflect on the experiences in my life that led me to mistrust and that in my situation those behaviors made sense at the time.  Basically, my actions served as a defense mechanism that served me well as I lived with the dysfunction of alcoholism.  Now I must take those defects and change them into strengths.  The defenses that once kept me safe in my relationship with an alcoholic now keep me from living a peaceful, loving, serene and happy life.  

So I have admitted to God and to myself.  Now it is time to admit the exact nature of my wrongs to another human being.  That's the part that sucks.  You see, it can't be someone in my family or my best friend.  It must be someone who is a little more removed and so I am now in search of that person.  

I will shed light on a few of my liabilities in this blog, but I must find that one 'human being' that will listen to the secrets that I have always thought I would take to the grave.  The actions I have so willingly justified because I felt the desire to 'get even' no matter the price.  I ask for your prayers as I ask God to bring that person forward.  

spiteful - yes, I have been known to do things just to spite someone, namely the alcoholic and his family
resentment - sadly, this has consumed so much of my thoughts
anger - I have lived with this for so long that it has made me bitter
fixer - oh boy, yes I have been known to do this and it must stop
control freak - this flaw has caused so much damage to myself and others
holder of secrets  - time to let them all go, my secrets, not those that have been spoken to me in confidence
fearful - failure and rejection, the two things I fear the most
random - this has affected my children most of all, organized chaos
stubborn  - I can thank dad for this one but only I can do something about it.  "My way or the highway" hasn't been very successful
hardened - comes from years of not renewing and rejuvenating and doing the same thing, yet expecting a different outcome
numb - turning off all emotion to protect myself from heartache
hurt - this is a double-edged sword, for I have caused hurt just as I have been hurt

 James 5:16

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

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