Lake Girl

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Paths to Recovery-Step One

Well it's finally here...the time has come to Let Go and Let God.  For those of you who know me, letting go has not always been what comes naturally.  It requires loosening the reins on my life and for decades that has been an impossible task.  It means giving up control and damn if I don't like to be in control.  Control has meant having the upper hand, being in charge, winning the game, making all the moves but ultimately it has kept people out, pushed people away and in my own delusional thoughts, kept me from getting hurt.  Yet time and time again I have felt the pang of disappointment, hurt and of love lost.   I have decided to work the 12 Steps of Al-Anon publicly in order to hold myself accountable.  You see my life has been significantly affected by alcohol.  No, I'm not an alcoholic. (No, really, I'm not.) Al-Anon is for anyone whose life has been affected by an alcoholic.  I am by no means being hypocritical.  I, like To...
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On Saturdays I Weep

Saturdays have become so difficult for me.  Maybe it's the slow start, the silence, the stillness of the house that allows my thoughts to consume me.  Every Saturday since I've been back in my normal routine, I have experienced such great sadness.   I'm not boarding a plane, or picking up a rental, driving down 37 South and pulling into your driveway like I used to when I was in college, kicking up sand because I drove in too fast.  "One of these days you're going to hit one of those poles." I would laugh and say, "No I'm not mom."   I never did hit one of the poles, not physically anyway.  But metaphorically, I hit one every Saturday morning.  It takes me most of the day to come out of it.  Today, I actually thought cleaning the bathrooms would be a good idea.  Who the hell thinks that?  But then my mind fills with memories of our house on Glen Garden and how we used to clean on Saturday mornings and then to recent times when ...
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A Letter to My Mom

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Mama, I started this letter in January 2021, when it started to sink in that this battle was bigger than all of us.  I remained hopeful but there was a deep sense of dread in my soul.  I needed to prepare myself for life without you.   In early October 2020, you shared news with me that I processed immediately as bad news.  I stayed calm and asked what you would like me to do next.  You said, "wait until I get the biopsy." We ended the call.  I fell apart.  I guess I knew then, or at least my mind did what it always does, prepare for the worst. It's not good that my brain is conditioned to do that but I would rather be prepared than blindsided.   In late November, the kids and I went for a visit.  We cleaned, we laughed, we rushed around frantically at your requests and we carried on with business as usual.  You were still you; funny, witty, fiery, but you tired easily.  You weren't running circles around me, and again, I ...
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