Lake Girl

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Paths to Recovery-Step One

Well it's finally here...the time has come to Let Go and Let God.  For those of you who know me, letting go has not always been what comes naturally.  It requires loosening the reins on my life and for decades that has been an impossible task.  It means giving up control and damn if I don't like to be in control.  Control has meant having the upper hand, being in charge, winning the game, making all the moves but ultimately it has kept people out, pushed people away and in my own delusional thoughts, kept me from getting hurt.  Yet time and time again I have felt the pang of disappointment, hurt and of love lost.   I have decided to work the 12 Steps of Al-Anon publicly in order to hold myself accountable.  You see my life has been significantly affected by alcohol.  No, I'm not an alcoholic. (No, really, I'm not.) Al-Anon is for anyone whose life has been affected by an alcoholic.  I am by no means being hypocritical.  I, like To...
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On Saturdays I Weep

Saturdays have become so difficult for me.  Maybe it's the slow start, the silence, the stillness of the house that allows my thoughts to consume me.  Every Saturday since I've been back in my normal routine, I have experienced such great sadness.   I'm not boarding a plane, or picking up a rental, driving down 37 South and pulling into your driveway like I used to when I was in college, kicking up sand because I drove in too fast.  "One of these days you're going to hit one of those poles." I would laugh and say, "No I'm not mom."   I never did hit one of the poles, not physically anyway.  But metaphorically, I hit one every Saturday morning.  It takes me most of the day to come out of it.  Today, I actually thought cleaning the bathrooms would be a good idea.  Who the hell thinks that?  But then my mind fills with memories of our house on Glen Garden and how we used to clean on Saturday mornings and then to recent times when ...
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Recognize Yourself

I don't know where I heard this, but it was something I was watching or listening to last week and it caused me to pause and write those two words down.  I scribbled it on a sticky note and stared at it, then gently placed it on the computer where I would see it, daily.  Why did this resonate with me?  Why was it sitting deep inside, where all of my stormy thoughts go? Then it hit me. I saw myself the other day, but it wasn't me, it was someone in my not so immediate circle, but someone I consider dear, someone I haven't let in because I must have subconsciously known I had to distance myself.  You see, what I saw in this person was the me I used to be.  The girl in a bad relationship, the girl who drank to numb the pain, the girl who over extended herself so no one would see the dysfunction she was in.  I saw the delusion, the sadness, the fog that surrounded her.  I recognized myself and all I could do was confide in a good friend, someone who migh...
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