Paths to Recovery-Step One

Well it's finally here...the time has come to Let Go and Let God.  For those of you who know me, letting go has not always been what comes naturally.  It requires loosening the reins on my life and for decades that has been an impossible task.  It means giving up control and damn if I don't like to be in control.  Control has meant having the upper hand, being in charge, winning the game, making all the moves but ultimately it has kept people out, pushed people away and in my own delusional thoughts, kept me from getting hurt.  Yet time and time again I have felt the pang of disappointment, hurt and of love lost.  

I have decided to work the 12 Steps of Al-Anon publicly in order to hold myself accountable.  You see my life has been significantly affected by alcohol.  No, I'm not an alcoholic. (No, really, I'm not.) Al-Anon is for anyone whose life has been affected by an alcoholic.  I am by no means being hypocritical.  I, like Toby Keith sings, "Still throw a few back, talk a little smack, when I'm feeling bullet proof..."  But to deny that I have not been affected by it, would be a lie.  I'm not sure how long this will take or how successful I'll be but I encourage you to keep reading and if you find it useful, share it with others...

Step One:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. 
On September 29, 2011 I attended my first Al-Anon meeting.  It was a complete shock when the words being spoken by the person leading the meeting seemed to be directed at me.  It was like going to church, hearing the sermon and thinking, "Wow, that was just for me!"  How could this person whom I had never met, be talking about things only I had been through?  Did he know that as he spoke those words, my breathing became labored, my heart was pounding and I could feel the flush coming over my face?  It was clear I understood as tears, quite visibly, ran down my face.  Why couldn't I stop crying?  What was it about what he was saying that hurt so much?  And then he said, to the entire group, the person who invited you to this meeting loves you.  I remember reaching over and grabbing my friend's hand.  I held on tight as I spoke these words, "For years I asked the alcoholic in my life when he was going to realize that God was sending him a sign, each time something happened to him.  That God was throwing bricks his way and one day He would send down a ton of bricks so that he'd really understand.  But now I know that God was throwing those bricks at me.  Those were my signs.  It was my message.  And finally, the ton of bricks has fallen...on me."  I learned that day that I had no Control, no Cure and I was not the Cause of this disease.  I did however need to admit I was powerless over it and that indeed my life had become unmanageable.  What a slap in the face...I managed everything just fine, didn't I?  I managed graduating from college, buying my first vehicle, my first house, my career, my students, my money, my children and I even managed my entire family.  And it all came crashing down that day, like a ton of bricks.  

So began my path to recovery.  I've been on that journey for over two years now and I will gladly continue walking that path.  I am aware that my higher power is in control and without Him my life will become unmanageable once again.  I have admitted that I am powerless over alcohol but I am not powerless over my own actions.  I must continue to be proactive not reactive.  I must give myself permission to set boundaries and to know my own worth.  God has placed amazing individuals in my life and He continues to guide me down His path.  I willingly accept all He has planned.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Comments

  1. I am always afraid that this is going to happen, not necessarily with or because of one person in particular. I have this nagging fear that no matter how hard I work to "do things right," I am still going to end up with things crumbling apart. I truly hope for the best for you and I am sure things will be better. It may take time but I know you will be okay and I hope the same goes for all involved.

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  2. Marc, you and I have had a connection since the first day we wet at your Uncle Paul's house years ago. You are a hard worker, loyal man and have been raised by an amazing family. God has your plan in his loving hands. Keep believing in Him and life will be exactly what you need. Love you to the moon and back Kiddo!

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