The Couch Chronicles...Continued

Mama, I started this letter in January 2021, when it started to sink in that this battle was bigger than all of us.  I remained hopeful but there was a deep sense of dread in my soul.  I needed to prepare myself for life without you.   In early October 2020, you shared news with me that I processed immediately as bad news.  I stayed calm and asked what you would like me to do next.  You said, "wait until I get the biopsy." We ended the call.  I fell apart.  I guess I knew then, or at least my mind did what it always does, prepare for the worst. It's not good that my brain is conditioned to do that but I would rather be prepared than blindsided.   In late November, the kids and I went for a visit.  We cleaned, we laughed, we rushed around frantically at your requests and we carried on with business as usual.  You were still you; funny, witty, fiery, but you tired easily.  You weren't running circles around me, and again, I ...

Five years ago, on this very day, a very worn out Honda Pilot pulled up to the Rosewood Tavern (the nickname of the house we live in) filled with the most precious and essential belongings.  The driver, a tired, single mom of two, the copilot, a strong, caring 8th grade boy and the backseat passenger, a courageous, 7th grade spitfire too much like her mama.   We arrived late that evening, unloaded as much as we could and settled in for the night as quickly as possible because the next day, I would begin "new" teacher orientation at a school district that had offered me a job just 10 days earlier.   We really did hit the ground running when we arrived and California came for us, hard.  I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.  For the first few months, the punches kept coming and for a brief moment I thought I had made a terrible mistake.  I had left behind friends, family, a great job and my cat.  I had relocated this tight triad for a b...

Saturdays have become so difficult for me.  Maybe it's the slow start, the silence, the stillness of the house that allows my thoughts to consume me.  Every Saturday since I've been back in my normal routine, I have experienced such great sadness.   I'm not boarding a plane, or picking up a rental, driving down 37 South and pulling into your driveway like I used to when I was in college, kicking up sand because I drove in too fast.  "One of these days you're going to hit one of those poles." I would laugh and say, "No I'm not mom."   I never did hit one of the poles, not physically anyway.  But metaphorically, I hit one every Saturday morning.  It takes me most of the day to come out of it.  Today, I actually thought cleaning the bathrooms would be a good idea.  Who the hell thinks that?  But then my mind fills with memories of our house on Glen Garden and how we used to clean on Saturday mornings and then to recent times when ...

Every single frustration I have had in my life has had a lesson behind it.  I wish I had kept numerical track of them.  I would then get to start this post with Lesson:  2,384.  But actually, the order in which lessons happen isn't sequential.  That's either really great or really fucked up.  So I am going to rank this lesson pretty high.  Let's make it one of the top ten.   If you want something and can afford it, buy it!  Don't wait for someone to buy it for you.  Don't feel like you have to justify your purchase.  And please don't feel like you have to explain to anyone why you want the things you want, especially if you are financially responsible for yourself.  Oh and that's another lesson!  Strive to be financially responsible for the number one person in your life; yourself.   Another life lesson brought to you by Cynthia, master of her own universe.  Stay tuned for more...

Disclaimer:  My mind is all over the place today.  This blog will not flow well or even make sense to some of you and that's ok.  Read it.  Don't read it.  :) I moved to California a little over three years ago.  I have had the chance to go back home a few times but this last trip, well, it just hit different, like today's youth says. It was a quick visit, very busy and like the ones that came before, it was bittersweet.  I didn't get to see everyone I wanted.  I didn't get to bring back all the things on my list and I didn't get into any shenanigans and we all know how much I love shenanigans. What I did get from my time back home was this wonderful sense of belonging, familiarity, absolute ease, like a warm blanket, soft and comforting.  I was able to see a few friends, shop at HEB (no store does more) and got in some quality time with my family, especially my dad.  That ol' Henry really came through.  It's like he knew what...

So lately I have felt the Universe stirring, swirling, a little off.  It's made me ask , “Is this what you want?”   It's made me reflect and wonder what it's set out to teach me.  I had to ask myself some honest questions and here is what I have come up with. The universe is wanting me to grow and one of my takeaways is that I need to make amends with my stepmom for our rocky relationship.   We were both in the wrong because we were both pining for my dad’s attention.   It also wants me to step up in the role of bonus parent because there are some young adults in my life that still need parenting and I know how it feels to be in their shoes, but right now it feels unwelcome.   The universe wants me to be aware of my role with Thomas and Carolyn and that as much as I want to indulge them because of single mom guilt, I too must let them fail and become independent of my safety net because they are ready and capable. **I read some gre...