The Perfect Man*
*All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. For the exception of my dad.
(So ladies, you may think I'm referring to your husband or boyfriend but I'm not and even if I were, you married him. No need to worry about lil' ol' me...he's yours, remember? I was invited to the wedding...I'm in the wedding video because you probably didn't think I would show up and have the nerve to get up and dance with him. Oh yeah, the one dollar I paid for my cameo in your wedding video...so worth it! I do want to send a shout out to my friend, P! Thanks for so willingly offering your husband. And yes, I know he doesn't think he's 'sloppy seconds' but I'm not one for leftovers and besides, he only has eyes for you and since I consider you my sistah, that would make him my brother-in-law, uh...that just made my stomach hurt! Life would be great if other women were as generous as you...kidding...a little...)
Sooo, The Boy and I were having a chat in the kitchen this morning after breakfast and I casually mentioned having a crush on someone's brain. He followed that up with a question, of course. "So, if you were to create a perfect man, you would want this person's brain?" I laughed, of course, for many reasons but mainly because the perfect man doesn't exist. Ok, maybe he does. I don't want to offend or hurt anyone...or seem insensitive. I honestly believe there is a perfect match for everyone. Really, I do. But for the fun of it I will set forth to create my version of the perfect man...let me get my Victor Frankenstein on.
Since it's been stated that some women have 'daddy issues' I'll entertain that thought and send a shout out to my dad...a real man and I mean the real deal, genuine article, always imitated but never, I repeat, never duplicated...my dad, the all knowing, mega mind, bad ass Henry aka Herby to my friends back in C-Town. To say no other could ever come close is an understatement but honestly, no one has ever really tried. And just a word of advice men, I don't want or need a 'daddy' figure. I have an awesome dad so I don't need to be with someone who reminds me of him. That's actually kinda gross....gag, cough, vomit.
This dad of mine is the reason I can change a flat tire, check my oil, dig out tree stumps, use tools, yes power tools too. Work ethic, dedication, perseverance are all thanks to dad. He is also behind my obsession with the yard, carpentry projects, and boxing. He's responsible for my love of beer and not fruity drinks, my sailor mouth and let's not forget the quick temper and dig-in-your-heels stubbornness. Yikes...you know...I'll own it..all of it!
Actual conversation between dad and I...
Dad: I'm very proud of you (miracle by the way, not typical of ol' Henry). Just don't start taking drugs.
Me: Or become a prostitute, right? (insert laughter)
Dad: Because drugs will ruin your life and you will lose everything
Me: Or start prostituting, right?
Dad: And you'll end up living under a bridge...Did you see the fight last night on HBO?
blah, blah, blah...call ends
I dial my sis...
Sis: Hello
Me: Oh my God, get this...I basically just got permission from dad to be a prostitute!
Sis: What???
I love my dad! But remember, I don't want to date my dad! Allow me to continue building my 'creature' aka Perfect Man.
So we know PM (perfect man) has been given Brain Crush's brain so he is smart and because I love my dad so much, he's going to have to like him too. You know, have a few Shiners with the old man, talk boxing, Spurs and football. Now these qualities can't be taken from anyone so I'll just say PM should be able to chat and drink like me.
I shall move on to the physical traits of PM. Dark hair that I can run my fingers through...hmmm, I'm thinking Hugh Jackman hair, not in Wolverine, in real life...for the real...haha. Sweet, sincere smile like George Strait. Alluring eyes, Greek nose (In classical art, Greeks have noses that form a straight line from base to tip, rather than rounding or curving over the bridge. This smooth, straight nose was considered the perfect nose, as depicted in Michelangelo's David, eHow) and sexy lips...there is a certain bottom lip I'm thinking of (No Bestie, not Skinny's, that one belongs exclusively to you, even if we did "talk on the phone in the middle of the night"). For the record ladies, the lips I describe haven't had the pleasure of being kissed by my famous lips, so calm down. Oh, but they will. I guarantee it. Oh, dang it, I forgot about ears! No piercings, small but not freakishly small and clean!
I once described someone as having a sexy laugh...yeah I know, weird and hard to explain but it does exist. Which brings me to humor...PM needs to have a good sense of humor, can take a joke, can come back with a witty comment and can laugh at himself which would require him, at times, to admit he was wrong or out of line. For instance, I recently stated that the street near work stretched all the way back to the main road and didn't change names, but I was wrong about that and so I will use this platform to openly apologize for my error. It's Emory Oak Dr. My bad! (said in Cher's voice from Clueless, played by Alicia Silverstone)
Ideally, PM should be a good dancer because this girl likes to shake her tail feathers, if you know what I mean! Now, having said that, and bringing ol' Henry up again, I'm not that picky. Seriously, sometimes I think I'll have bruises after dancing with dad, or maybe a dislocated shoulder and some sore toes but we have fun and according to my step-monster, I'm about the only one who can really dance with him. My poor daddy...he tries. And PM will be quickly praised and pampered for putting forth some kind of effort without being extremely intoxicated and annoying. Ultimately, we are talking perfection, right? Ok so, two pretzel-move men come to mind and yes BexCo, there is more than one pretzel-move guy...you aren't the only one to have had the pleasure of tying me in knots...on the dance floor. And no, the other guy isn't gay! I know you'll try and convince me otherwise.
My buddy from C-Town who traded his half-smoked cigarette for a dance, I'd be glad to add your moves to PM too. Oh and let me not leave out Jr! That one dance, you know the one, Redneck Girl, Bellamy Bros. Far West Rodeo...damn I regret not giving you my number during that fun Summer 2001...but that's another blog...
I guess that brings me to PM's emotional well being. Hmmm, you know that scene in Crazy, Stupid, Love when Ryan Gosling takes Emma Stone home (can I just say, wow!) and they stay up all night talking and then he realizes he can't be a 'playa' any longer because she's kinda 'the one?' Yeah, that...PM needs to be Ryan Gosling...in the movie, of course. Not that I wouldn't jump at the chance in real life...a girl can dream, right?
So did I forget something? Hmmm? Oh, yeah...sex! A good girl doesn't kiss and tell...boy!
http://youtu.be/qzfo4txaQJA
http://youtu.be/4vaN01VLYSQ
http://youtu.be/ij6NGc2AOyY
(So ladies, you may think I'm referring to your husband or boyfriend but I'm not and even if I were, you married him. No need to worry about lil' ol' me...he's yours, remember? I was invited to the wedding...I'm in the wedding video because you probably didn't think I would show up and have the nerve to get up and dance with him. Oh yeah, the one dollar I paid for my cameo in your wedding video...so worth it! I do want to send a shout out to my friend, P! Thanks for so willingly offering your husband. And yes, I know he doesn't think he's 'sloppy seconds' but I'm not one for leftovers and besides, he only has eyes for you and since I consider you my sistah, that would make him my brother-in-law, uh...that just made my stomach hurt! Life would be great if other women were as generous as you...kidding...a little...)
Sooo, The Boy and I were having a chat in the kitchen this morning after breakfast and I casually mentioned having a crush on someone's brain. He followed that up with a question, of course. "So, if you were to create a perfect man, you would want this person's brain?" I laughed, of course, for many reasons but mainly because the perfect man doesn't exist. Ok, maybe he does. I don't want to offend or hurt anyone...or seem insensitive. I honestly believe there is a perfect match for everyone. Really, I do. But for the fun of it I will set forth to create my version of the perfect man...let me get my Victor Frankenstein on.
Since it's been stated that some women have 'daddy issues' I'll entertain that thought and send a shout out to my dad...a real man and I mean the real deal, genuine article, always imitated but never, I repeat, never duplicated...my dad, the all knowing, mega mind, bad ass Henry aka Herby to my friends back in C-Town. To say no other could ever come close is an understatement but honestly, no one has ever really tried. And just a word of advice men, I don't want or need a 'daddy' figure. I have an awesome dad so I don't need to be with someone who reminds me of him. That's actually kinda gross....gag, cough, vomit.
This dad of mine is the reason I can change a flat tire, check my oil, dig out tree stumps, use tools, yes power tools too. Work ethic, dedication, perseverance are all thanks to dad. He is also behind my obsession with the yard, carpentry projects, and boxing. He's responsible for my love of beer and not fruity drinks, my sailor mouth and let's not forget the quick temper and dig-in-your-heels stubbornness. Yikes...you know...I'll own it..all of it!
Actual conversation between dad and I...
Dad: I'm very proud of you (miracle by the way, not typical of ol' Henry). Just don't start taking drugs.
Me: Or become a prostitute, right? (insert laughter)
Dad: Because drugs will ruin your life and you will lose everything
Me: Or start prostituting, right?
Dad: And you'll end up living under a bridge...Did you see the fight last night on HBO?
blah, blah, blah...call ends
I dial my sis...
Sis: Hello
Me: Oh my God, get this...I basically just got permission from dad to be a prostitute!
Sis: What???
I love my dad! But remember, I don't want to date my dad! Allow me to continue building my 'creature' aka Perfect Man.
So we know PM (perfect man) has been given Brain Crush's brain so he is smart and because I love my dad so much, he's going to have to like him too. You know, have a few Shiners with the old man, talk boxing, Spurs and football. Now these qualities can't be taken from anyone so I'll just say PM should be able to chat and drink like me.
I shall move on to the physical traits of PM. Dark hair that I can run my fingers through...hmmm, I'm thinking Hugh Jackman hair, not in Wolverine, in real life...for the real...haha. Sweet, sincere smile like George Strait. Alluring eyes, Greek nose (In classical art, Greeks have noses that form a straight line from base to tip, rather than rounding or curving over the bridge. This smooth, straight nose was considered the perfect nose, as depicted in Michelangelo's David, eHow) and sexy lips...there is a certain bottom lip I'm thinking of (No Bestie, not Skinny's, that one belongs exclusively to you, even if we did "talk on the phone in the middle of the night"). For the record ladies, the lips I describe haven't had the pleasure of being kissed by my famous lips, so calm down. Oh, but they will. I guarantee it. Oh, dang it, I forgot about ears! No piercings, small but not freakishly small and clean!
I once described someone as having a sexy laugh...yeah I know, weird and hard to explain but it does exist. Which brings me to humor...PM needs to have a good sense of humor, can take a joke, can come back with a witty comment and can laugh at himself which would require him, at times, to admit he was wrong or out of line. For instance, I recently stated that the street near work stretched all the way back to the main road and didn't change names, but I was wrong about that and so I will use this platform to openly apologize for my error. It's Emory Oak Dr. My bad! (said in Cher's voice from Clueless, played by Alicia Silverstone)
Ideally, PM should be a good dancer because this girl likes to shake her tail feathers, if you know what I mean! Now, having said that, and bringing ol' Henry up again, I'm not that picky. Seriously, sometimes I think I'll have bruises after dancing with dad, or maybe a dislocated shoulder and some sore toes but we have fun and according to my step-monster, I'm about the only one who can really dance with him. My poor daddy...he tries. And PM will be quickly praised and pampered for putting forth some kind of effort without being extremely intoxicated and annoying. Ultimately, we are talking perfection, right? Ok so, two pretzel-move men come to mind and yes BexCo, there is more than one pretzel-move guy...you aren't the only one to have had the pleasure of tying me in knots...on the dance floor. And no, the other guy isn't gay! I know you'll try and convince me otherwise.
My buddy from C-Town who traded his half-smoked cigarette for a dance, I'd be glad to add your moves to PM too. Oh and let me not leave out Jr! That one dance, you know the one, Redneck Girl, Bellamy Bros. Far West Rodeo...damn I regret not giving you my number during that fun Summer 2001...but that's another blog...
I guess that brings me to PM's emotional well being. Hmmm, you know that scene in Crazy, Stupid, Love when Ryan Gosling takes Emma Stone home (can I just say, wow!) and they stay up all night talking and then he realizes he can't be a 'playa' any longer because she's kinda 'the one?' Yeah, that...PM needs to be Ryan Gosling...in the movie, of course. Not that I wouldn't jump at the chance in real life...a girl can dream, right?
So did I forget something? Hmmm? Oh, yeah...sex! A good girl doesn't kiss and tell...boy!
http://youtu.be/qzfo4txaQJA
http://youtu.be/4vaN01VLYSQ
http://youtu.be/ij6NGc2AOyY
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