The Couch Chronicles...Continued

This is my second round of working Step Four.  The first attempt was almost two years ago and it was written in a gratitude journal given to me by the one person who knows so much of what my life has been like living with an active alcoholic.  Thank you bestie, I love you! The great thing about this step is that it can be worked many times over.  It's like peeling back the layers of an onion to reach the very center.  Each time a layer is removed, there is a self discovery that takes place.  The first time, I was asked by my sponsor to list all the things I was incapable of doing.  I thought that was absurd!  I wasn't incapable of doing anything.  I had always been capable of accomplishing exactly what I set my mind to accomplish.  However, that's not what he meant.  What he wanted me to do was write down all the things I had a problem doing.  And that was a completely different type of request. So this step is sort of like an act of self-love.  It helps people like m

Usually, once or twice a week, I "feel" a blog coming on...sounds funny, but it really does happen.  The feeling can be triggered by a thought, a song, someone's words or simple action.  The last two weeks have been very hectic, emotional, stressful and as a result, I believe I have blogger's block.  Honestly, I think my thoughts are backlogged.  You see, I hit the road running with the first three steps in my Al-Anon recovery and I knew the next step, the 4th one, was going to be a son-of-a-motherless-goat!  And like most things I don't want to do, I pushed it aside in hopes it would go away.  That has never worked in the past, so why I continue to do it is so damn frustrating.  I believe that will be something I work out in my 4th step.  Though I have a few blogs on draft, I haven't had the inclination to finish them.  One is titled Ten Things I Hate About You and the other might be titled Turbo Lover.  Still playing with that one... And then there is

*All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.  For the exception of my dad.   (So ladies, you may think I'm referring to your husband or boyfriend but I'm not and even if I were, you married him.  No need to worry about lil' ol' me...he's yours, remember?  I was invited to the wedding...I'm in the wedding video because you probably didn't think I would show up and have the nerve to get up and dance with him.  Oh yeah, the one dollar I paid for my cameo in your wedding video...so worth it!  I do want to send a shout out to my friend, P!  Thanks for so willingly offering your husband.  And yes, I know he doesn't think he's 'sloppy seconds' but I'm not one for leftovers and besides, he only has eyes for you and since I consider you my sistah, that would make him my brother-in-law, uh...that just made my stomach hurt!  Life would be great if other women were as

*Decided I would post the words of others today to give everyone out there misinterpreting my words, some recovery time... I had waaay too much fun working on this blog...not happy my Lil Diva was sick, but being in cuddle mode most of the day with her made me realize there are so many other words I should share.  After all, "Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." -Victor Hugo  There are a few links, they may or may not work...I've listed a few artists and titles...Remember, this blog is really my way of letting it all go... Tracy Lawrence's "Alibi" http://youtu.be/eDVFti4tVBo Brooks and Dunn's "She Used to Be Mine" http://youtu.be/js6jqy1NtI8 Garth Brook’s “She’s Gonna Make It” http://youtu.be/0A4a4kxYO68 Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham's "Landslide" http://youtu.be/zZi6LJ6bY_c Clay Walker’s “She Won’t Be Lonely Long”  http://youtu.be/E3n9HtxzuBI Clay Walker’s “Wat

So thirty years ago, today, you pushed your giant-hematoma head into this world via your mom's tiny body.  I couldn't wait to see you.  The picture that comes to mind from that time is you dressed up like a little Santa Claus.  I was so in love with you.  Funny, I felt the exact same surge of emotion and euphoria when your little cousin made his way into the world with his monster-sized noggin via my not-so tiny body. You brought us so much joy, the first boy in our immediate family.  Dad's eyes filled with pride with his first grandson.  I must admit I was a bit jealous, after all, I had been his baby for ten years.  The intense feelings of love only grew as I watched you grow.  Although I was an auntie, our closeness in age made us more like brother and sister.  I can't remember a time when you were not around.  Later, when I became a teenager and moved away for high school, we didn't see each other as often but the bond remained. I will never forget the

As I get ready to settle in for the night with my blankie, Marcus Aurelius and a chick flick that will probably make me feel sorry for myself and wonder why crap like that doesn't happen in real life, I thought, "Why not blog about the blessings that have been bestowed upon me?" So should I number them?  No, that would make me have to come up with a number like all the days that led to Thanksgiving or one for every year of my life and damn that's 40!   Maybe the ounces of wine I consumed today or the nickels I won playing a game I had never played before...which by the way I cashed in on...must have been beginners luck or maybe my luck is changing...OK so back to what I'm thankful for...someone recently pointed out that I jump from one thought to another.  It's been pointed out to me before and my response has always been, "It's just that you can't keep up."  I didn't say that this time.  It really took me by surprise.  I have to admit,

As I reflect to the beginning of 2013 I'm reminded of my 40th birthday celebration.  That was a memorable night.  I was surrounded by a group of friends and family so special to me that I could have stayed in that moment forever.  Turning 40 set something in motion...til this day I'm not sure how to explain it.  It feels like a mission, a quest of some sort.  I'm in search of something or better yet, someone.   You see, there was a girl I once knew.  She was daring, a fighter, someone who welcomed a challenge and didn't let anyone get in the way of her dreams.  She was one of the guys, everyone's girl (not to be confused with the girl that was with everyone).  No, this girl didn't need to belong to anyone.  She was comfortable in her own skin.  She wanted more out of life than a husband, children and house with a white picket fence.  The world is what she wanted. Then she met a boy.  Her dreams changed a little but still she knew what she wanted and was dete

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything. A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved. Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter. Love is so short, forgetting is so long. A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.  A book without words is like love without a kiss; it's empty. If you like her, if she makes you happy, and if you feel like yo

So I was once asked why I expected a different outcome if I continued to do what I had always done.  Wow, that was an eye opener.  Why did I do that?  I decided I would make an effort to do things differently but what would happen if the outcome wasn't what I wanted or liked.  Was I willing to live with doubt and regret? Step 3- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Sounds a little familiar doesn't it?  Well step 3 is the last of the steps that prepare one to work the other 9 steps, basically a foundation, a solid point on which the hard work that follows will begin to take shape.  In a nutshell, Steps 1-3 are as simple as, "I can't.  He can.  I'll let Him." In my readings someone shared how the first three steps of recovery gave her honesty, hope and faith.  In step one we must honestly admit that our lives are pretty jacked-up, in step two we hope that life will get better and in step three we rel

Having been born and raised in a Roman Catholic family, the fact that God existed was never something I questioned.  I believed in the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, the Virgin Mary, Jesus and all the angels and saints... Over the years many situations have caused me to question why "God does this" or why "God allows that" and yet I know beyond a doubt that something greater than me has had a hand in my blessed life. Step two- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. This step has come fairly easy to me.  I have always believed in a Higher Power.  Now at times that Higher Power has been God or Jesus, male or female, all knowing, an aura, light, unstoppable force. On my road to recovery I've discovered that my Higher Power is so much more and without it, peace and tranquility will not exist in my life.  In every Al-Anon meeting I've attended, the group recites the Serenity Prayer.  God grand me the Serenity to a

Well it's finally here...the time has come to Let Go and Let God.  For those of you who know me, letting go has not always been what comes naturally.  It requires loosening the reins on my life and for decades that has been an impossible task.  It means giving up control and damn if I don't like to be in control.  Control has meant having the upper hand, being in charge, winning the game, making all the moves but ultimately it has kept people out, pushed people away and in my own delusional thoughts, kept me from getting hurt.  Yet time and time again I have felt the pang of disappointment, hurt and of love lost.   I have decided to work the 12 Steps of Al-Anon publicly in order to hold myself accountable.  You see my life has been significantly affected by alcohol.  No, I'm not an alcoholic. (No, really, I'm not.) Al-Anon is for anyone whose life has been affected by an alcoholic.  I am by no means being hypocritical.  I, like Toby Keith sings, "Still throw a fe

The one that got away or in my case the ones that got away vs. the one that won't go away... I wish someone had warned, told, hinted that something unexplainable was going to happen when I turned 40.   Maybe I would have prepared or been better prepared to handle the extreme angst I feel.  Inside of my mind or perhaps my soul, a storm is brewing.  I have never been so determined to accomplish my goals and to live my life for exactly what it is...MY life.  As I sit in my kitchen this morning, in my own place, drinking my own coffee, the words of my mother keep churning in my head.  "mejor sola que mal acompañada" I will protect the innocent and not mention names since most of the ones that got away managed to find someone willing to see them for what they truly were, keepers.  Sadly, I was a catch and release kinda girl, with my eye on the big prize, looking for the trophy, the catch worth mounting...no pun intended. The ones that got away... were unbelievable swe

For the past few weeks I've seen an advertisement for a game show with two hosts. One is telling the truth, the other, a false statement. Recently in a faculty meeting, a grade level introduced each team member with a similar activity. Ideally we want honesty and truth to have significant value in our relationships and yet people discover much too often that there is more to someone than meets the eye. For example I bet you didn't know that... I'm an only child When I was 18 months old I almost choked to death I have triplets in my family My parents divorced when I was 12 I didn't live with my mom or dad during high school I can use a sewing machine Vodka and cranberry will make me happy My first experience with driving was with a stick shift My junior year of high school, I was the only girl who could play the Virgin Mary...for real I had my first adult drink at 14 years of age I, along with a few other f

Wow...it has been a long day.  Busy Friday at work, long needed walk with biologicals and close friends, very not-good-for-me dinner but well worth the fun conversation and great company.  I feel quite blessed with the humans God has placed in my circle.  There must have been at least 3 separate conversations going on at dinner today so I don't know where it came from but I heard someone say, "Alfa Romeo."  Hmmmm...funny how a word, scent or song can take you back to a certain moment in time... So on the drive home the churning of memories, ideas and thoughts started.  My mind was racing with flashes of all things motor vehicle and I knew what my next blog must be...my most memorable rides.  I added the PG to make sure certain people, aka Crazy Co-Worker, wouldn't think I was talking triple X rides...just sayin! The year was 1979 and I was my dad's shadow.  Seriously, I followed that man everywhere.  My favorite place...the lumber store...I think it was MG a

I took a little sabbatical to have an untimely, so-not-like-me semi nervous breakdown...actually I think I live in breakdown mode, a lifestyle I do not recommend.  That lifestyle leads you to believe that you can jump tall buildings and all that other superhero crap. Today is my 1st biological 's birthday.  My boy, the crazy-eyes, sweet tooth, bookworm kid I gave birth to 11 years ago.  Today's blog is dedicated to him. Dear THR, This has been quite a year baby.  We moved back to the city, you changed schools, I worked all summer, we lost someone very close to us and I made some changes to your life that may not seem right to you but they will when you get older.  After all, a man is what his mom makes of him.  So the bulk of this birthday letter will be about all the things I hope you will be, today, tomorrow and always. Pray...in good times and in bad times Be thankful and count your blessings Remember that love wins, without fail, love wins If you need advice on wo

Dear Summer Vacation,      Well let me just start by saying, "Thanks."  Thanks for allowing me the time to learn so much about myself.  I knew a transformation in my life was coming but I had no idea I was going to get a jump start over the summer.  You know I believe that everything happens for a reason and I'm sure you know, my dear summer vacation, that I really cannot afford to have a breakdown during the school year.  So thank you for making sure most of my meltdown occurred during this restful and relaxing time of the year.  Funny, when I reflect on my life, most life changing events have happened during my summer vacation.        So here's a thought...Maybe I should work through my summer vacation...Nah!!!      Let me get back to bidding you adieu.   I'll miss you, without a doubt, I will miss you.  This must be what retirement feels like.  I'll have to ask ol' Henry.  What will I miss the most, you ask?  There is not one particular thing, so a

"God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers..."       A friend of mine posted that phrase today and when I read it I thought, "Really?  Strongest huh?"  There are some days I believe that to be true and then there are other days I believe I'm paying a debt for the sins of my past.  Why?  Because I've been on the battle front for too long now.  In my mind I hear, "Retreat, retreat, retreat!"       I'm tired of fighting.  I want peace, tranquility and serenity.  I need to raise the white flag and nurse my wounds.  I'm sure I'll have scars.  The scars won't be visible to the human eye.  The scars from this battle will be like all the ot hers, seen and felt only by me.        Mother Teresa is quoted as saying, “I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.”  I suppose I should feel honored to be in God's army.  I should be grateful to be doing His work and letti

Ever have one of those days where everything seems to be going wrong?  Well I've had a decade like that and so today I thought I would just let it all out....blast everything and everyone out of the damn water, call people out, bitch, cry and moan about what annoys the hell out of me...Are you ready?!  Well I'm not...I refuse to stay down for the count.  I will not let life's little pitfalls get the best of me...what is that catchy little phrase..."Don't sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff."  I would rather say, "...And this too shall pass" because it all does...life is in constant motion. So here are a few things that do not annoy the hell out of me... my dad's laughter Lil Diva cuddling up with me at night My Boy making really funny, sarcastic comments Chispita saying "mommy, mommy, mommy" Madibug and Brother asking if they can play with my phone mom telling me that her 74 year old neighbor has a crush on m

On July 11th, 2013 I embarked on a road trip to visit my family in California.  I knew I wanted to try this adventure alone so with the blessing of my therapist, I got the H out of Texas.  Well....I drove for eight, long hours and then I was out of Texas.   While on the road I discovered many things about traveling, people and most importantly, myself.  I've taken the liberty to list them for your reading pleasure... Texas is a big ass state...and quite boring...glad I drove through it at night. I have great friends that kept me awake with ridiculous conversations, except for one who got me so distracted I ended up 10 miles off course... Adele and Mariah have nothing on me when it comes to hitting those high notes.   I can do a mean steering wheel dance....I even broke a nail! My vehicle can go pretty far without my hands on the wheel. El Paso is pretty...at night.   Las Cruces, New Mexico is a creepy little place.  Too clean, too quiet, too peaceful... You've seen