The Couch Chronicles...Continued

Disclaimer:  My mind is all over the place today.  This blog will not flow well or even make sense to some of you and that's ok.  Read it.  Don't read it.  :) I moved to California a little over three years ago.  I have had the chance to go back home a few times but this last trip, well, it just hit different, like today's youth says. It was a quick visit, very busy and like the ones that came before, it was bittersweet.  I didn't get to see everyone I wanted.  I didn't get to bring back all the things on my list and I didn't get into any shenanigans and we all know how much I love shenanigans. What I did get from my time back home was this wonderful sense of belonging, familiarity, absolute ease, like a warm blanket, soft and comforting.  I was able to see a few friends, shop at HEB (no store does more) and got in some quality time with my family, especially my dad.  That ol' Henry really came through.  It's like he knew what I had been missing, w

So lately I have felt the Universe stirring, swirling, a little off.  It's made me ask , “Is this what you want?”   It's made me reflect and wonder what it's set out to teach me.  I had to ask myself some honest questions and here is what I have come up with. The universe is wanting me to grow and one of my takeaways is that I need to make amends with my stepmom for our rocky relationship.   We were both in the wrong because we were both pining for my dad’s attention.   It also wants me to step up in the role of bonus parent because there are some young adults in my life that still need parenting and I know how it feels to be in their shoes, but right now it feels unwelcome.   The universe wants me to be aware of my role with Thomas and Carolyn and that as much as I want to indulge them because of single mom guilt, I too must let them fail and become independent of my safety net because they are ready and capable. **I read some great advice today:

So my dad calls me a firecracker.  He has also been known to say things like, "You know how she is." and "She moves all way to California and she's still fighting with people."  That was actually one of my favorites.   I like to think of it more like, "She calls it like she sees it."  It's been said that if you want the truth, ask Cynthia.  Here's the thing...I have spent the last decade trying to own my shit.  So when I'm around someone who doesn't, it annoys me.  It frustrates me.  It also makes me a little sad.  Deep down in the sensitive part of my gut (those of you that endured the time I suffered from gastritis, pronounced in Spanish, of course, will remember I have a very sensitive gut) I feel bad for people living in denial.   Looking through the lens of awareness is both a blessing and a curse.  I love that it allows me to be reflective.  You see, I stumble, we all do, and when I do, I stop and I ask myself, "que o

I don't know where I heard this, but it was something I was watching or listening to last week and it caused me to pause and write those two words down.  I scribbled it on a sticky note and stared at it, then gently placed it on the computer where I would see it, daily.  Why did this resonate with me?  Why was it sitting deep inside, where all of my stormy thoughts go? Then it hit me. I saw myself the other day, but it wasn't me, it was someone in my not so immediate circle, but someone I consider dear, someone I haven't let in because I must have subconsciously known I had to distance myself.  You see, what I saw in this person was the me I used to be.  The girl in a bad relationship, the girl who drank to numb the pain, the girl who over extended herself so no one would see the dysfunction she was in.  I saw the delusion, the sadness, the fog that surrounded her.  I recognized myself and all I could do was confide in a good friend, someone who might be able to help beca

So it's taken some time to truly embrace this title, but the reality is this, I am a single mother of two. I have been since June 2013 and probably way before that, if we look at who managed the household.  It's taken some soul searching to grasp the magnitude of my responsibilities and also it's taken it's tole.  I check off the divorced box or the single box in all of my applications, questionnaires, surveys.  I am entirely responsible for the welfare of these two.  I am financially responsible for my future and everything that comes with that. What I am reminded of, daily, is that the second half of that title includes two of the best (and sometimes worst) things to ever have happened in my life.  Funny, most days I can't remember where I left my keys, or my phone, or fill in the blank with anything important but I can tell you, with very specific detail, the events that took place the day my children were born.  I can describe those days with all five senses

I am not going to define, explain or describe this type of person.  If you read the title and immediately conjured an image, then you know.  Chances are, you know more than one.  I've known a few and I'm going to keep it 100, sometimes I was ok playing along.  I've learned women can play that role too.  It's all about self appreciation and worth. If you are a young single girl and you're still trying to figure things out, not sure whether you even want to be in a committed relationship, then I say go out and have fun.  Explore. Experiment.  Educate yourself and find what is pleasing to you.  Two can play this game so develop some guidelines and go for it. When that day comes and you find the one, be smart.  Use your experience with that Fu** Boy to know if you have someone willing to be your person, your 80/20 on somedays, your 50/50 on other days.  But if you suspect otherwise, don't settle.  You might recognize the signs, you might be in denial, you might