If You're My Friend

Let's be honest, if you're my friend, how lucky are you?  Maybe winning the lottery lucky or not stepping in dog shit lucky.  I'll let you ponder that one.  

But if you're my friend, chances are, I have called you in the middle of the night and said, "If anyone asks, I was with you." 

If you have ever heard the following:

• Girrrrrl, we need to talk.
• You're not gonna believe this shit.
• I can't make this shit up.
• This pansy ass mother fu*ker.
• What the fu*k was I thinking?

Yup, you're my friend.  

If you know that I like to call my dad Henry and that I love to have Saturday chisme sessions with him, you are definitely my friend.  You are a super friend if you've heard me tell one of his stories or if I have shared a famous one-liner of his.  You are a super elite friend, if he's offered you an "ice cold beer." 

If you needed help moving or you randomly asked if someone wanted to come help you paint and I volunteered, you are indeed my friend.  

There is a big possibility that if you're my friend, I figured out how to get an extra large refrigerator through your front door and then became your stepdad's favorite human.  Coincidentally, this would also mean that I assisted in dragging a potted citrus tree from the neighbor's yard.  

Also, if you adopted my cat when I moved to California, you are my friend, for sure!

If you're my friend and you have an ex (wife, husband, partner, boss) of some kind or another and I run into you or I get invited over or we meet up for the social event of your choice and now you have a new person, even if I know that ex person and maybe even still talk to that ex person, I promise not to bring up, ask about, or carry an entire conversation about that ex person because I know that might make your new person uncomfortable.  Heck, it might even make you uncomfortable and if you're my friend, I would not want that for you. I especially would not want that for your new person because your new person might think I am a bitch ass hoe.  And if you're my friend, you know I am not a bitch ass hoe.  A wannabe hoodrat? Yes.  A bitch ass hoe? Not me.  

Additionally, if you are my friend, you know I love real hard, I laugh real loud, I like to celebrate and I take being a mom real serious.  I will cheer you on, I will sit with you in silence, I will dry your tears and I will say, "Fu*k them hoes" when the opportunity presents itself.  I will travel far and wide for you.  But if you're my friend, you also know I set boundaries like a mutha fu*ka.  

If you are reading this and wondering if you have the skills it takes to be my friend...wonder no longer...you don't...kidding...you do.  And if you're lucky, maybe a vacancy will open up.